I haven't even formed the words in my head - I just needed to write and I may even take this down as it very well may end up a pile of word babble.... Last week I had my first post-treatment PET CT scan. They are all important and all bring anxiety but there's something about the first one after all the chemo, after working through this Land of Limbo that I still live in - trying to get on track; going to physical therapy; trying to get out and see friends and do fun things; trying to look for work from home...trying, trying, living and breathing and being grateful for each moment but always in the back of my mind this exists. The last time I saw my cancer doctor three months ago he told me to "enjoy your summer" and "get back to work"! He meant well but first off, I can't get back to work the same I did before quite yet. I am not physically able to commute into a job every day and believe it or not, that chemo is still affecting my stamina. I can, however, work from home and as a writer and editor by profession, I am able to work from home. I have been getting a little bit of work from friends who were former coworkers and that has been great! Not enough to get off of Unemployment but enough to get my mind back there again. And I have been enjoying my summer thanks to my family and friends. But I knew all along that August 8 would be burned into my head as the day of that scan. So the day came and went and I was okay but since then I've been waiting for my result and the anxiety has been floating within every day. I assume my doctor decided to wait to tell me the results when he saw me but man, a week feels so long when you are waiting for test results!
So tomorrow morning I head into the hospital with my parents to meet with him and have a blood test and discuss this scan. I have decided that even if the results aren't what I'm hoping for, I am still in battle mode and the armor will be donned again as I will do whatever it takes. If the results are what I'm hoping for, I will feel relieved and extremely happy but I wonder how many other people who have gone through this STILL worry that something was missed. I don't want to put any negative spin on a positive but based on what I've dealt with not only this past year but years before, it's hard to put your trust in tests and doctors because things are missed. The first CT scan they did on me was when my lymph node was enlarged and the doctor in my primary care's office (my doc was not in the day), upon feeling a mass and being concerned, ordered the CT scan - that came out clear and I somewhere deep inside I knew it wasn't right because I never did feel relieved. Maybe four weeks later it was discovered I had this Lymphoma - so why didn't that first scan catch anything at all? See, people go in and have tests and you want to trust them. But I won't look back because the blood clot saved me really and brought me to where I needed to be to get the help and answers I needed.
So here I am in the present the night before just venting - and thank you to anyone who happens to read it! I'm going to wind down for the night, watch a little TV, eat a little dark chocolate (yum), say my prayers, and maybe take a little pill for anxiety to help me sleep and then deal with tomorrow when I get there. :-) Thanks for listening.... Sweet dreams....!
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