Time Warped - December 15, 2013

It was the same crisp, clear beautiful October air… and it was just as sudden that I found myself helplessly resisting comparisons to October of 2011 but here I was again, almost exactly two years later in my doctor’s office with an enlarged lymph node. Always holding onto hope, I shared with her my recent activities – I had been feeling better in my recovery so I began gentle yoga classes and began trying to get in shape again by doing some floor exercises. Did I twist my neck while working out? Even after only two short years after the diagnosis of Lymphoma, I still didn’t want to think history was repeating but one thing after another this past October cruelly reminded me of that time – not just October and that beautiful autumn weather but other, seemingly crazy things mimicked that time.  My doctor running blood work and scheduling an ultrasound – well, of course, that’s routine and that makes sense but the results were similar – blood showed possible mild infection and then it was Columbus Day weekend and my doctor was away for the long weekend and her doctor on-call – the same doctor that filled in for her two years ago – was the one to deliver the news about my tests. That means nothing, I know. But when anyone has experienced any kind of traumatic life event whether it be a health issue for oneself or a loved one, losing someone, getting a divorce, whatever it may be, the dates, the season, the time of year stick with you for a bit – time lessens that but you can’t help but reflect back – “a year ago this time I was….” Marking that date, getting past it is a milestone – you feel if you can get past that, you are a bit closer to the removal of that bad memory, a bit closer to healing.

I have learned through my experience with Lymphoma and joining support pages and meeting others who have gone through this, that you can’t help but mark those dates or times. I haven’t blogged in far too long but I will say that I approached fall of 2013 with a great, positive attitude. I finally ditched my cane, I started those aforementioned yoga classes and it made me feel happy and joyful. I affirmed beginning the first day of fall that I was going to start to make changes in my life – physically, emotionally, spiritually – I even started a wellness/health log to track what I was doing. It consisted of writing down all my exercises I did that day – not much, mind you, my body still isn’t there but I’d walk around with my pedometer to make sure I walked AT LEAST a mile a day or that I did my stretches, PT exercises, etc. I would begin my day in prayer including reading Daily Word – a little magazine I’ve subscribed to for years that offers a theme/reading for the day with a quote from the Bible – I used to read that faithfully every day and slacked – even through the roughest times two years ago when you’d think I’d be reading that every day, I didn’t (though continued my subscription) so I made sure I’d start each day with prayer and that reading and I’d end each day with meditation and nighttime yoga. I felt happy inside and committed to this – and I’d log it all in to this journal – how I felt, what I did (including what I ate). Three weeks later this lump in my neck appeared.

Two years ago I had plans to see one of my favorite writers at the Boston Book Festival – I didn’t go because my neck was enlarged and I didn’t know why or if I had an infection so I missed it. Boston Book Festival 2013, that same writer, Chuck Klosterman returned – I didn’t go because of my neck…again. Two years ago, I bought tickets to see one of my favorite singers Amos Lee perform in Boston. I didn’t go because I didn’t think standing up all night in a crowded House of Blues with a potential infection was a smart idea (this is before the diagnoses). This year I saw that Amos Lee was returning to Boston and I didn’t bother getting tickets because I wasn’t sure – and good thing because by the time he played here, I was in the midst of round two of this flare-up. Two years ago I was about to begin a freelance assignment at an ad agency in Boston and I had to call my recruiter at the agency that placed it to tell her I couldn’t do it because I was admitted to the hospital with the blood clot. This fall, that very same recruiter called me to see if I wanted to take on my first off-site freelance assignment at an ad agency (just a few days filling in but I was excited and nervous to get back to working onsite somewhere – first time in two years). I took the assignment, happily worked two days, that weekend felt sick, day later my lymph nodes flared up even worse than the first flare-up Columbus Day weekend. All of these things mean nothing – it’s the fall, the weather is supposed to be this way; the Boston Book Festival is always in the autumn; Amos Lee tours here all the time; I had been looking for freelance work, etc., but all those things triggered in me where I was two years ago.

So it feels like a cruel mind game right now but I am determined not to allow this to fuel my anxiety. This time around the doctors are hyper aware of me and my puzzling health and they are taking everything seriously (not that they didn’t before but there is a different level of seriousness this time around) – they are still confused and right now after several doctor visits, a CT scan (including a separate CT scan for a small node that lit up in my groin my PET CT of August – that one came back fine), appointments with two different oncology surgeons, it has come down to that I have to have a surgical biopsy to get to the bottom of this. They watched, they waited, it was bad, seemed to be getting better, then got bad again and along with these lumps in my lymph nodes (including this prominent one), I haven’t been feeling well and my fatigue that I’ve had since two years ago has increased. It’s an unsettling feeling. I am trying to stay positive and strong but I am struggling because I am flashing back to two years ago and it feels like too much time between seeing medical professionals even though since October I’ve pretty much had at least one visit a week for either a test or a doctors appointment but between those visits, I feel confused and anxious – nighttime is the worst both mentally and physically. But where is my faith? It’s right there – I trust God, I pray about it, He keeps telling me in His own, and often unexpected, ways to stay faithful. Is it being tested – my faith, that is? I’m feeling very challenged – I know that much; but I also know that I learned two years ago that I was a lot stronger than I even knew. I think part of what is consuming me is the thought of putting my family through this nightmare again so my prayers are also that they won’t have to go through this again – I know myself, I know I’ll deal because I did before but why should they have to? With all my heart, I hope they won’t.

This is not my most eloquent blog post and I realize it’s long; I don’t even know who is reading it but I know my writing is long overdue and I needed to do this for me. I have many other blog topic ideas to write about besides this and I’m annoyed that this is still something that IS a topic but one day at a time…not a cliché, fact of life that DOES help – helped me before, it’s what I did to get through, what I have been doing since then, and what I will still do. The biopsy is next week, December 18. Whatever the results, I will approach the first day of winter like I did for the first day of fall - with new hopes, faith, and the desire to get on track… again.