Random Things I’ve Learned Or Discovered Through This Trial

I’ve always been a glass-is-half-full type of gal – upbeat and positive even though that’s tempered with worry and anxiety. Doesn’t seem to make sense, does it?! But anyone who really knows me knows that I’m generally a positive and upbeat person. So through this challenging time, I’ve tried to see the good through the bad and randomly in the last nine months certain thoughts came to mind that I’d like to call little discoveries…. I’ll share a few here….

1. I really don't need caffeine every day – I didn’t really start drinking coffee or tea regularly until my 30s and each year from that point, my caffeine intake increased. I also discovered that caffeine helped me with my migraines so my daily cup of tea or coffee was either a remedy for a headache, a wake-me-up boost, or just a pleasurable beverage for the day. When I was in the hospital the first time, I had a migraine and because I couldn’t take my usual Excedrin, I asked for some Coke for the caffeine – oddly I got a bad case of the jitters from that so completely on my own, not under any doctor’s instruction, I just gave up daily caffeine cold turkey – and I was fine! Now since I’ve been better and off chemo, etc., my migraines have been resurfacing so I find myself having a can of Coke or a cup of coffee to help with the headache or to prevent it from getting worse when I feel one coming on - but as far as NEEDING one every day - I’m good! I love tea and it’s good for you and believe me, I'm still a coffee/tea lover and still drink a caffeinated item if I feel like it but the good thing is not needing to have it every single day.

ADDENDUM TO THIS POST - 8.4.12 - I got a one-cup Keurig coffeemaker for my birthday from my sister and am all excited about it and I've got a great mix of coffees, teas, and yes, an entire box of Dunkin' Donut's decaf, too - since I still can't get out on my own yet, running out for a coffee or tea isn't so easy but now thanks to my sister, I can satisfy any coffee or tea needs from the convenience of my home.

2. This leads to another strange discovery….ever since this happened I have lost my desire for certain foods and drinks that beforehand I loved. While at the Center for Cancer this winter, I met a really nice volunteer who himself was a cancer survivor and he told me the same thing happened to him. So odd and I’m not sure if it’s temporary or what causes it but all I know is I was someone who every day had a yogurt and a bowl of cereal every single morning and now I have had zero desire for yogurt or cereal or milk for that matter. It’s not a dairy thing because I still love cheese and ice cream (not together of course… lol). Also, related to #1 here, I loved my Starbuck chai tea latte and would have several a week. I haven’t had one since before this happened. At first I thought my lack of desire for certain foods was due to the horrible case of thrush I had and the terrible mouth sores that come along with chemo, which makes eating many foods difficult and unpleasurable but yogurt was something I loved and at the hospital they really wanted me to eat that to help with the thrush, etc., plus it was easy to eat but when I needed the most is when I literally pushed it aside. Strange thing the body is, huh?

3. Prior to this, I would never leave the house without even a teeny bit of makeup – a little eyeliner and mascara and lipstick at the very least. Even while in the hospital the first time, I had my mother bring me my makeup but by the second time around, I didn’t care. Perspective, right?! For months I actually let people see me without makeup – the horror! And it was a horror alright! LOL But honestly, it’s not so bad and it’s liberating to not care. Not that I didn’t care about my appearance but maybe it was just accepting myself as I was. Of course the fact that because of the chemo, I lost most of my eyelashes and I had that nasty Iritis inflammation in my eye I couldn’t wear eye makeup even if I wanted to, but the point is I didn’t worry what people thought of me. This may sound strange but I think giving my face a break from cosmetics actually improved my complexion! Now that my eyelashes have returned and I’m feeling a bit better, I’m back to wearing makeup when I go out but it’s not a daily thing and I’m not horrified if someone were to drop by and I didn’t have any on. Accept yourself as you are. J

4. Humility, modesty, it all goes out the window when you’re in the hospital in my condition for nearly a month. Kind of going along with the entry above, you just don’t care. When that many people see you naked or various forms of…um…undress, well all embarrassment just automatically shuts off. They aren’t there to judge – they’re there to help.

5. Funny how last summer I was so concerned with my weight in trying to lose weight and now less than a year later, it’s been all about gaining weight and struggling to put those pounds back on. Careful what you wish for as they say!

6. Back to aforementioned migraines – I was plagued with those nasty headaches many times a week but while in the hospital they eventually vanished. I wasn’t sure why as I heard that chemo can cause headaches. Was it all the medicine? Then I saw on a friend’s Facebook page a post from their friend mentioning that magnesium can help migraines – that had to be it! In the hospital they gave me daily doses of magnesium and once this winter during chemo I required a magnesium infusion. Now that I’m off all that, my migraines have been returning and I’m going to look into taking magnesium – not sure how to dose it, etc., though.

7. I have to remind myself now to get back to that place where I didn’t let little things bother me – something I did before all this but while fighting for my life, small stupid things didn’t matter. I find myself slipping back to that and writing this here reminds me to let the little things go. Life breathes better when you do.

8. I’m going to try to look at this experience as a reset. I was in need of one and this is not exactly how I wanted to reset things in my life nor would I wish that upon anybody but in my pursuit of looking for the positive, I’m going to take this experience and try to move forward doing things better. Getting myself organized, not getting stressed about minor things, letting go of the past, forgiving, being a better person, helping others who are or have been in a similar position, finally writing that book (or books) I’ve been talking about – or at least attempting to, getting rid of things – the clutter, etc., and SO many more things – that’s just a small taste.