Frozen In Time - October 21, 2012

A year ago today I drove myself to the hospital for what was to become the first hospital stay – the day it was discovered I had a blood clot in my jugular vein. When I think back now I can’t even believe that I used my seat belt as the strap went right across my neck on my left side but I was pretty much in a dumbfounded state at that point – so much so that when I checked into the ER (fortunately with my mother with me) and they had me lie on a stretcher, I remember thinking that it wasn’t necessary for me to lie down but hey, okay, I’ll rest a bit. But as the hours went by things became more realistic with the staff behaving more urgently around me and I progressively became more nervous, so I was relieved when much later that night they decided to admit me.

That ended up being a week’s stay at which point I was sent home (prematurely we were to find out) and then re-admitted a couple weeks later for the next chapter, but about this date….

I have not driven since October 21, 2011. That wasn’t the plan of course but I really thought when all my treatment was done I’d be able to get back in my car and do the things I used to do – and many people after chemo treatment do. But between my numbified feet due to neuropathy that chemo caused, muscle weakness, body aches, and now frozen shoulder in both shoulders, I haven’t had the proper mobility to drive just yet. However, I had set a goal of driving before a year was up and here it is a year and, well, I’m not quite there yet. I can’t risk hurting somebody or myself just for the sake of symbolism. I’m almost there and I want to ease into it bit by bit, get my reflexes back, etc.

This date, like the date of my second hospital admission, is embedded in my brain and even if I try to forget it, I have recently come across reminders – incidents where it seems time froze on October 21, 2011. In cleaning my room, I’ve found things like old date/calendar books filled with appointments and plans with friends that stop in October; To Do Lists on notepads and PostIts on my desk dated in October of 2011; my prescription paperwork for the antibiotic for the maybe infection I was diagnosed with at the beginning of the nightmare in October of 2011 – even going through my DVR today to watch one of my favorite programs the episode was taped on October 21, 2011 and seeing that date and vaguely remembering maybe watching some of the episode that night in the hospital bed was a bit eerie. I shouldn’t look at it that way and actually I did more so feel grateful to get rid of those and move forward – but is it weird that after I watched my program, I felt particularly happy to hit delete and see that date disappear along with the show? ;-)

October 21, 2012 is three minutes to over as I am writing this so I hope for the frozen reminders to be melted away along with it – even if my memory of it all hasn’t. Oh and here’s to hoping for the frozen shoulder to unlock soon as well!