Suspension - February 12, 2013

I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for an entire week. It’s suffocating… I had my second post-treatment PET CT scan last Wednesday and have to wait until tomorrow, a full week after, for the results. This is how it was in August and I blogged about it then – “Writing To Quell Anxiety” – and I thought I was anxious then but for some reason I feel more anxious now. In some ways I feel more anxiety within me than I did a year ago when I was in full-fledged battle mode. Maybe that’s why? The focus on fighting deters you from other emotions – it’s a focus and a numbness all at once. So it could be that I’m past the numbness and though I always will fight, it’s different when you don’t have the constant support or medical team around you.

It also may be because my lymph nodes in my neck haven’t been feeling right – I referenced a couple blog posts ago feeling a “fullness” on my right side, which in the past year I have felt before. It went away and it recently returned along with some pain. So that is weighing heavy on my mind. I am hoping it is just my still-recovering immune system and my lymph nodes being susceptible and flaring up. But here I go again trying to explain my anxiety. Why do I need to explain? It’s there, it’s understandable and normal and like I tell others in challenging times, I need to be easy on myself.

It’s not pleasant feeling this way. I don’t want to complain to family or friends because you either stir up that worry in others or you appear to be something you’re not so I try not go on and on about it but in my mind, everything feels suspended along with my breath…I try to distract myself but I can’t focus right…I put off making plans until I know my results…I am hanging in a thick fog of fear and worry and distrust and it’s rotten but like all the fogs that float my way, I will get through.

This is not lack of positivity. It’s not lack of faith or strength. It just goes with the program so to speak. I’ll be okay. I hope and pray that it will be alright. I just re-read my post from August of 2012 where I was in the same boat – day before finding out results and oddly it helped me a bit! I spoke of whatever the results are, I will don my armor for battle like before. That’s right! Okay, deep breath, Debbie…!