FaceBreak Days 2 - 4

(See previous post for beginning of this "series"!)

 

Facebook Break Day 2 – Oddly Enlightening

I start every morning logging onto Facebook and my regular e-mail and scrolling through the News Feed – before I even get out of bed. This morning, after reading my e-mail, it felt almost strange to not linger in bed catching up on my friends’ activities!

Today I learned how much time I actually do spend on Facebook (and we’re talking the jobless Debbie right now – when I’m working, of course, that’s a different scale of measurement) because I found myself with extra time! It’s enlightening and a bit disturbing at the same time. So how did I spend that time? Well, since I am in need of freelance or part-time work, I decided to spend that social networking time on LinkedIn – something a bit more productive. I also cleaned out another e-mail account that had accumulated way too many e-mails about sales and so forth – that’s the e-mail address I give for retail, etc. I spent time knitting and due to some sudden pain in my low back, I took it easy. To my surprise, I did not miss Facebook at all and in fact, I felt a bit liberated. This could sound silly but honestly when I think about how I lost sleep the other night over a foolish Facebook-related thing, I realize that was a huge wake-up call for me. When something takes THAT much control of your emotions, that’s a sign to step back and do something about it. I’m glad I did and I think I’m going to make this a regular thing. I don’t want to be ensnared by this site – ah, perhaps that word is too dramatic so let’s say I don’t need for Facebook to suck my emotions and energy on a daily basis. After my little experimental break this week, I’m going to regularly scale down.

Facebook Break Day 3 – Withdrawals Begin

I wish I felt like yesterday but strangely today after logging in to FB solely to send a birthday wish to someone, I found it difficult to sign off after catching a glimpse of a few status posts. In that glimpse I caught two posts that warranted a “like” just to support those friends. I mean, really, that’s one of the GOOD things about Facebook so I don’t feel I betrayed my break by doing that. However, when I signed off, I felt anxious. It really is like a dumb addiction and it’s like I got a taste of it and wanted more. So ridiculous. I’m embarrassed to even be writing this but I am one that believes self-awareness is the first step in correcting negative behavior or behavior we simply want to change.

As I mentioned in the initial blog post about this, I was reluctant to miss the posts on the Lymphoma page but I discovered today that I can access that page without actually logging into Facebook as that page is a public one so in essence that just makes it like any other web page. No little red flag of notifications, no temptation to scroll through the News Feed, and though I can’t write any notes of advice or support, I can at least just see the articles or uplifting notes that are shared and really with my PET CT scan next week and the anxiety building toward that, I need that page.

So other than the aforementioned, what was my Facebook-less Day 3 like today? Well, I had physical therapy but today it was just to address this strange low back ache I’ve been experiencing – again with fears of it being lymph node-related. My therapist alleviated those fears a bit with some of her tests but unfortunately that thought is always in the back of the mind. I wonder when that will finally stop or at least taper down…or will it ever?

I’ve also been spending my time watching “Nurse Jackie” on Showtime. I’ve always wanted to check out that show but never took the time and yay – all the seasons are On Demand! So I started Season 1, which began in 2009, a couple nights ago and now am so hooked, I’ve been watching several episodes a night. I’m already nearly finished with Season 1 and I’m wondering if I’ll be all caught up to the present by the time this Facebook experiment is done!

Facebook Break Day 4 – I’m Fine

I am fine – no biggie. No anxiety or withdrawals – went on today to wish two friends Happy Birthday and signed off. I don’t know what yesterday was about but I’m halfway through this break and today wasn’t really missing it.

I also want to do what that original Full Moon in Leo article said – about “getting the creative juices flowing.” Writing this little blog is one way just because it gets me writing. I also am spending time knitting this hat and today I turned what was supposed to be a crocheted hat into a little bag! LOL I have to laugh – I had attempted to follow a YouTube instructional video on how to crochet a hat and I thought I followed the instructions correctly but at some point I realized that hat could only fit a little head and because once crocheted, the “hat” really wasn’t soft or comfy but rather on the tough side, I decided not to make it a children’s hat. I’m nearly done with this bag and will post a pic next time.

So that’s it – knitting, sewing, finished Season 1 of “Nurse Jackie” and began Season 2, updated my resume and LinkedIn profile and looked for some leads.

Thanks for indulging me in these silly posts!

FaceBreak - January 27, 2013

I love Facebook and I will never forget how much it helped me while I was ill and in the hospital and how that connection with friends has continued to help me these last 14 months. The support has been incredible and the comments and notes uplifting. Not to mention that I found a page for Lymphoma support that gained me new friends that I connected with on my personal page. I visit that page every day to learn new things or to offer support to others affected by Lymphoma. However, lately I have had a low tolerance for things on Facebook. I’m not sure exactly why though I think it’s a combination of elements. Without going into great detail we experienced a heartbreaking loss in my family in the past week and I haven’t been in the mood to post or do much on there. But every day it’s part of my ritual to scan through and read what everyone is doing. I mean, I always do this – if I’m away from the computer or not home for a few hours, I will later set aside time to scroll down and read everything I missed for that day. I care about my friends there and I want to know what’s going on in their lives. But this feeling I’ve had the past week hit me so hard late last night and when noticing the beautifully brilliant full moon, for fun I looked up info on the full moon and found the following:

Full Moon in Leo January 26, 2013

The first Full Moon of the year will occur on Saturday January 26, 2013 at 11:38 p.m. Eastern Time in Leo at 7 degrees. With the Sun in Aquarius, there may be a tug of war going on between the needs of self and the needs of others. It could also signal a time for you to step out of the crowd in order to reach your potential. This Full Moon will also focus on love and creativity.

Wolf Packs and Lion’s Pride

The early Native American tribes in what is now the Northern and Eastern United States, referred to January’s Full Moon as the Wolf Moon due to seasonal conditions. During this period, winter’s cold and snow often resulted in hungry wolf packs howling outside tribal villages.
Love and creativity are a focus during this Full Moon period. Leo rules the heart and loves drama, art and romance.
Wolves form clans and travel in packs, so let this serve as an image for your during this period. Are you hungry for something in your life? Is your soul crying out for more fulfillment or excitement? Also think about your relationship to your “clans” of family and friends. Do you yearn for more closeness or more independence?
In addition to the wolf metaphor, this Full Moon takes place in Leo, the sign of the lion. We often associate the word pride with lions, both real and symbolic. This Full Moon will serve as an opportunity to develop your own individual pride and self-esteem. Ironically, lions are also part of groups known as prides.
This period will challenge you to focus on yourself while understanding your connections with others. Are you looking to be more original and stand out among the crowd? Or perhaps your pride is getting in the way when it comes to relationships and group dynamics. The light of this Full Moon will help you see these areas more clearly so that you can take charge and move ahead.

Spotlight on Self

Leo is a fire sign and reminds us about all the qualities of the Sun. This Full Moon will reflect those features of warmth, creativity, enthusiasm and confidence. Leo is regal, kingly and loves to take center stage. This is your chance to step into the spotlight and focus on yourself.
If you followed the last New Moon in Capricorn, you probably set some serious goals for yourself. You may have looked at the past and resolved to become more responsible and structured in certain areas of your life. Now is the time to bust out and express yourself to the world! It’s okay to say, “Hey look at what I’m doing and achieving.” Take pride in what you are working on, even if it’s only in the beginning stages.
As you shine the spotlight on yourself, you may notice some friction with others. Watch out for envy, jealousy and negativity from those who may not fully support your freedom of expression. They may also complain about their needs. Don’t let it discourage you. This Full Moon will help you balance your needs along with other’s demands.

Hearts and Art

Love and creativity are also a focus during this Full Moon period. Leo rules the heart and loves drama, art and romance. Use this transit to prepare yourself now for Valentine’s Day. Get in the love spirit early by focusing on those you care about. If you’re looking to rekindle a romance, this Full Moon can help you get in the mood. Be daring and express your feelings.
Finally get your creative juices flowing during this period. Get inspired by visiting a museum, going to a concert or seeing a play. If you’ve had any artistic visions or longings, now is the time. Pick up that paintbrush or instrument and have fun. Start a new hobby or revisit an old one.

Enjoy the energies of this month’s Full Moon. Let it help you find your authentic self and proclaim it to the cosmos!

My first reaction was “Wow”! I am a Leo and this really hit home. Now whether you believe in any of this or not - and even though I read horoscopes for fun, just so you know, I don’t alter my day or life by reading one, I have to say this really spoke to me. I decided this was the perfect impetus to get me to step back from Facebook for a few days – maybe even a week and take a breath and, like that said, get my “creative juices flowing”! I am not putting a time limit on it and I have a few exceptions to my break – two friends’ birthdays this week (I checked before signing off) so I will sign on those days to wish them a Happy Birthday (but that's all I'll do) and there's someone I’ve been writing to about helping them with their business project so I need to go on to get that info and possibly write her or get her e-mail to write her off Facebook. So I’m going to blog about what I may or may not accomplish during my Facebook time off. I hope I can detox a bit so I can return feeling refreshed and less annoyed about things – and though there is no time limit on grieving (as I recently learned from a dear friend), Facebook isn’t working as the distraction or means of grieving. I need to just step away from things for a while but I’ll be back because the good of Facebook so far for me, far outweighs the bad. Sometimes you have to take a break from things you like just so you can continue liking them. :-)

So here we go….:

Facebook Break Day 1

It’s 5:30 p.m. and I already feel better. It helps it’s a Sunday and that people tend not to post as much on Sundays. So far today I worked on knitting my next hat while watching one of my favorite classic TV shows, “The Dick Van Dyke Show” – knitting and laughing – sounds like a great combo to me! Later tonight, more mindless TV with the SAG Awards – I’m a sucker for the awards shows – my guilty pleasure so so what, right?! We all  need those!

New Year’s Eve Reflection – December 31, 2012

The other day I wished someone on Facebook a Happy New Year and mistakenly wrote “anew” rather than “new” and thought, what a great mistake! Happy Anew Year – that’s what I’m going to wish everyone on Facebook this year! I think many of us try to look at the beginning of a new year as a way to start anew. I know, for me, that’s been my goal and train of thought for the past year. Though it has become a work in progress and step-by-step type of thing, I have considered this past year as one in which I’ve had a chance to hit the “reset” button and live my life better, break old, bad habits, and start anew as best I can. Okay, sure, the recovery is taking longer than I anticipated and physically and emotionally it’s a rollercoaster (I hate using clichés but I sat here trying to think of a better word than rollercoaster and nothing came to mind but yo-yo and that’s worse!), but this recovery time has forced to me stop and rethink things and really to just think…a lot.

It would be expected that I would say something like I’m glad 2012 is over – see ya! But honestly I am grateful. You see, it hasn’t just been 2012 but it’s been a little tough since 2010 – I had one of the worst breakups of my life spring of 2010 and the pain continued with various hits to gut with that for another eight months. I looked to 2011 with hope, attempting to put that pain behind me but 2011 felt like I was in a gray fog. I remember thinking that I almost felt better the summer of 2010 when I was doing everything in my power to get through the breakup – going out all the time, starting a great new freelance gig, taking a class that fall in writing books for children – something I’ve always wanted to do, and other things. We are powerless over many things but we can take a powerless situation and put power into changing whatever we can. Much like the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

So that summer I tried to change the impact of the shocking demise of that relationship and thanks to the incredible support of my loved ones, I got through it. So why did 2011 feel so cloudy and if I were in some sort of funk most of the time? I had some wonderful times and memories so don’t get me wrong about that but something inside didn’t feel right. Perhaps the emotional draining of 2010 took a toll on my body and affected my system. Odd thing is, and I’ve shared this with a few people, I was a little freaked out that people I had disconnected with had suddenly returned to my life – I reunited with three unrelated old friends that for one reason or another we had disconnected through the years and quite a few people who I hadn’t seen in many years and who live out of state, visited and this all happened within the first six or seven months of the year. I started to wonder if this meant I was going to die before the year was out. Yes, I really thought this. Not to mention that I started seeing visions of myself receiving chemo in my arm in the Autumn of that year. I never told a soul this. It sounds crazy so I would push the image out of my head but all I could think is that I just needed to get through the fall, get through the fall. Wouldn’t you know, I was diagnosed with the Lymphoma in the fall and had chemo in my arm because I already had a line in my arm (oncologists prefer you have it infused through a port in your chest). So I suppose I had a premonition. I think it was God’s way of preparing me, perhaps? I’m not sure. Strange, huh?! Also, shame on Miss Positive thinking so negatively about the reconnections and visits! As one of my best friends pointed out when I told her this recently, maybe it’s more like they came back into my life so I’d have more people praying for me and being there for support. THAT’S what I do believe now because all of them have.

I’m not sure what that darkness of 2011 was… that lost and dragging feeling I felt throughout but I do know this – despite the year ending with two hospital stays, a blood clot and scary Lymphoma diagnosis, I began 2012 with that fog somehow lifted. This cloudy funk that I felt in 2011 I no longer feel. And with all the struggles, pain, worry, fear, etc., that I and my family have gone through, I know that 2012:

…. showed me that I’m a stronger person than I ever imagined,

…. brought me closer to the loved ones in my life,

…. brought new, special people into my life,

…. helped me make some better, positive changes,

…. brought about reflection,

…. made me move forward from a stuck place,

…. reminded me to stop letting the silly, stupid little things bother me and how those things are not worth it,

…. gave me that life-is-too-short wake-up call,

…. helped me to appreciate even more so the little things we take for granted and appreciate my incredible family and friends – which I already did appreciate but even more so, if that’s possible,

…. sparked some new ideas,

…. showed me what patience was all about,

…. reminded me that stress is not worth it and so detrimental to the mind and body,

…. forced me to let people help me – often because I didn’t have a choice and you know what, it’s okay – when you let others help you, you are helping them,

…. began to bring me back to some of my passions,

…. helped me to let go and that, in turn, is freedom,

…. lifted that aforementioned grayness,

…. and did a lot more things that I can’t think of now – but you get the picture!

 So for all that and more, 2012, I am grateful. We never know what each year or day will bring us but I know I am going to enter 2013 still taking each day as it comes because that is what worked in getting me through and I’m going to continue to work on that resetting and anewing and keeping the faith. Here’s to love, health, happiness, and peace in the New Year! Happy Anew Year to you! 

December 10, 2012 – Silly Shopper

Well, I haven’t used the word “cancerversary” – just not there yet! But the week that marked a year since my diagnosis I happened to see a cool sweater on one of my favorite online fashion shopping sites. I decided I was going to treat myself to a little gift to celebrate this year milestone. Yes, I’m not working but it was on sale and affordable. What a silly excitement but excitement nonetheless to make this purchase from a shop that normally is on the pricey side for me. A few days later when it arrived, I couldn’t wait to rip open the package and try it on. Alas, too small. This is the problem with buying clothes online. I always wear size small for tops so it seemed like a no-brainer to order that size. However what you can’t tell online is the material and this material was tightly woven so it could barely fit over my head! What a disappointment but I’ve changed in that I just don’t let these little things get to me – it’s an inconvenience, sure but I immediately repackaged and did all I’m supposed to do to return the product and they made it easy enough. Would I like to be on the waiting list for the medium size, they asked me. Sure – as far I was concerned, it was already paid for anyway.

A few weeks later I got the enthusiastically toned e-mail that my sweater was now in stock and they would ship it out if I still wanted it. Hooray! Today, on a gloomy Monday where I was already in not such a great mood, my package arrived. “This’ll cheer me up,” I thought. I thought. Right size, wrong color. Okay, well, I’ll try it on…eh….not working for me. Time to repackage and return! I write this all with a sense of humor about it. So much for my foolish little gift idea!

Off it goes but sure, I’ll take the store credit but maybe I’ll use it for jewelry next time and maybe that piece will be an even better milestone gift for me.  ;-)

Away From Me - December 8, 2012

Written December 8, 2012

I forget how good it feels to feel nothing sometimes. Hearing a particular song that I’ve dodged for years and then hearing it by mistake and not feeling that emotion is like a snap – a GREAT snap and a great feeling. I even love that it came upon me unexpectedly.

I quote one of my favorite singers, whose songs, voice, lyrics resonate emotionally with me, Ray LaMontagne… “Gone Away From Me”:

“Yesterday is gone, Yesterday is dead
Get it through your head and walk away, Yesterday is gone
Ain't no use hanging on to [his] memory, It only causes you pain

“….For a while I cried and tried not to make a scene…But life is long, my love has gone away from me, Gone away from me…”

Life, actually, is short but the sentiment is the same as the song implies. It’s long in that the past is where it is and there is life to live before us but as I’ve learned, life is too short to get hung up on the past and not move beyond it. It can be a longer process than one may desire but it doesn’t matter when it happens, just that it happens.

Is there a scar? Yes. But as I look at the scar where my port was on my chest, I look at it as a mark of strength. A time of struggle that I got through; and the scar where my heart broke is another internal mark that only indicates that there is healing – from Dictionary.com:

scar

¹ [skahr] Show IPA noun, verb, scarred, scar·ring.

noun

1.

a mark left by a healed wound, sore, or burn.

“Healed” – that’s the key word. We all have them but let’s wear them as a badge of courage rather than a reminder of pain.