New Year’s Eve Reflection – December 31, 2012

The other day I wished someone on Facebook a Happy New Year and mistakenly wrote “anew” rather than “new” and thought, what a great mistake! Happy Anew Year – that’s what I’m going to wish everyone on Facebook this year! I think many of us try to look at the beginning of a new year as a way to start anew. I know, for me, that’s been my goal and train of thought for the past year. Though it has become a work in progress and step-by-step type of thing, I have considered this past year as one in which I’ve had a chance to hit the “reset” button and live my life better, break old, bad habits, and start anew as best I can. Okay, sure, the recovery is taking longer than I anticipated and physically and emotionally it’s a rollercoaster (I hate using clichés but I sat here trying to think of a better word than rollercoaster and nothing came to mind but yo-yo and that’s worse!), but this recovery time has forced to me stop and rethink things and really to just think…a lot.

It would be expected that I would say something like I’m glad 2012 is over – see ya! But honestly I am grateful. You see, it hasn’t just been 2012 but it’s been a little tough since 2010 – I had one of the worst breakups of my life spring of 2010 and the pain continued with various hits to gut with that for another eight months. I looked to 2011 with hope, attempting to put that pain behind me but 2011 felt like I was in a gray fog. I remember thinking that I almost felt better the summer of 2010 when I was doing everything in my power to get through the breakup – going out all the time, starting a great new freelance gig, taking a class that fall in writing books for children – something I’ve always wanted to do, and other things. We are powerless over many things but we can take a powerless situation and put power into changing whatever we can. Much like the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

So that summer I tried to change the impact of the shocking demise of that relationship and thanks to the incredible support of my loved ones, I got through it. So why did 2011 feel so cloudy and if I were in some sort of funk most of the time? I had some wonderful times and memories so don’t get me wrong about that but something inside didn’t feel right. Perhaps the emotional draining of 2010 took a toll on my body and affected my system. Odd thing is, and I’ve shared this with a few people, I was a little freaked out that people I had disconnected with had suddenly returned to my life – I reunited with three unrelated old friends that for one reason or another we had disconnected through the years and quite a few people who I hadn’t seen in many years and who live out of state, visited and this all happened within the first six or seven months of the year. I started to wonder if this meant I was going to die before the year was out. Yes, I really thought this. Not to mention that I started seeing visions of myself receiving chemo in my arm in the Autumn of that year. I never told a soul this. It sounds crazy so I would push the image out of my head but all I could think is that I just needed to get through the fall, get through the fall. Wouldn’t you know, I was diagnosed with the Lymphoma in the fall and had chemo in my arm because I already had a line in my arm (oncologists prefer you have it infused through a port in your chest). So I suppose I had a premonition. I think it was God’s way of preparing me, perhaps? I’m not sure. Strange, huh?! Also, shame on Miss Positive thinking so negatively about the reconnections and visits! As one of my best friends pointed out when I told her this recently, maybe it’s more like they came back into my life so I’d have more people praying for me and being there for support. THAT’S what I do believe now because all of them have.

I’m not sure what that darkness of 2011 was… that lost and dragging feeling I felt throughout but I do know this – despite the year ending with two hospital stays, a blood clot and scary Lymphoma diagnosis, I began 2012 with that fog somehow lifted. This cloudy funk that I felt in 2011 I no longer feel. And with all the struggles, pain, worry, fear, etc., that I and my family have gone through, I know that 2012:

…. showed me that I’m a stronger person than I ever imagined,

…. brought me closer to the loved ones in my life,

…. brought new, special people into my life,

…. helped me make some better, positive changes,

…. brought about reflection,

…. made me move forward from a stuck place,

…. reminded me to stop letting the silly, stupid little things bother me and how those things are not worth it,

…. gave me that life-is-too-short wake-up call,

…. helped me to appreciate even more so the little things we take for granted and appreciate my incredible family and friends – which I already did appreciate but even more so, if that’s possible,

…. sparked some new ideas,

…. showed me what patience was all about,

…. reminded me that stress is not worth it and so detrimental to the mind and body,

…. forced me to let people help me – often because I didn’t have a choice and you know what, it’s okay – when you let others help you, you are helping them,

…. began to bring me back to some of my passions,

…. helped me to let go and that, in turn, is freedom,

…. lifted that aforementioned grayness,

…. and did a lot more things that I can’t think of now – but you get the picture!

 So for all that and more, 2012, I am grateful. We never know what each year or day will bring us but I know I am going to enter 2013 still taking each day as it comes because that is what worked in getting me through and I’m going to continue to work on that resetting and anewing and keeping the faith. Here’s to love, health, happiness, and peace in the New Year! Happy Anew Year to you!